6 Weeks Out: Digging Deep

There’s no other way to start: this was an excruciating week.  I debated whether or not to even  write my regular blog entry because my head is somewhere else. But I’ve made a commitment to myself, at the very least, to journal this season. And so, here I am on Saturday night, on my couch, writing.

My week started with a dip in calories for just a few days. Nothing new, nothing I can’t handle, but certainly a little uncomfortable. Next, the long hours at work started to kick in, stretching my energy thin.  Again, hard but totally manageable for me. But then grandma (“Grams”), who was just diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, started taking a heart-wrenching turn for the worse. We were told she had at least a few months left with us so the hourly decline was nothing shy of shocking – I really couldn’t wrap my brain around the reality of her health status even just a few days ago. On Thursday, my husband and I decided we needed to fly home next weekend for Easter to visit her. Without hesitation, we booked our flights. I felt some peace with that – we would at the very least see her in just a few more days. Then Friday, I felt a tsunami of emotion crash over me as I began to process what our trip home would be like. Would she still be responsive? Would she know we were there? Would this be our last time seeing her? Would we hear her laugh again?

Early this morning, she passed away.

As I sit here now and read those words, I don’t truly feel cognizant of their meaning. My eyes continue to scroll over them but my brain can’t digest.

And so, I sit here, on Saturday night, on my couch, writing. Thinking about her. Thinking about our family. Thinking.  I don’t have any other words yet to offer this week. And as much as it bothers me to end this entry without a proper closing or poignant phrase, I don’t think I have much of a choice.

6 weeks out

This week’s stats:

  • Weight: 124.6 lbs (same as last week)
  • Training: 3-4x week with my coach
  • Cardio: 30min of evening cardio every day plus another 30min of fasted morning cardio for 3 days of the week
  • Mood Rating (1-10, 10=BAMF): 2 – When I decided to add the mood rating scale to my weekly check-ins, I never really anticipated it would be below a 5, even on my worst day. I’m a pretty damn positive and resilient person so I can usually find a silver lining even in my most fatiguing struggles. But this week took my be surprise and here I am, at a 2. Still not a 1, though. Not quitting. Not giving up. But lowering my head and pushing onward.